Just finished recording an episode for BAM Radio Network 's new show Taboo. The premise of the show is to talk about things that are usually avoided by educators. This episode was on hating/disliking students or classes. I will post a link when it is up.
I know I have had students/classes that made looking forward to being with them pretty difficult. I have had my share of nights spent crying because I felt disrespected and abused by them. Even now I have days when I just want to leave and take an emotional break from the room.
I will say that when I decided to shift from trying to be in control of the classroom to trying to develop relationships with the students I found that not only did many of the students' behavior improve, but that I became more empathetic to their needs and their acting out. I am now much less likely to punish them and much more likely to discipline.
What do you do when you have students that make your class less inviting? How has your behavior towards them changed (or has it not changed?) I would love for you to leave your thoughts.
I know I have had students/classes that made looking forward to being with them pretty difficult. I have had my share of nights spent crying because I felt disrespected and abused by them. Even now I have days when I just want to leave and take an emotional break from the room.
I will say that when I decided to shift from trying to be in control of the classroom to trying to develop relationships with the students I found that not only did many of the students' behavior improve, but that I became more empathetic to their needs and their acting out. I am now much less likely to punish them and much more likely to discipline.
What do you do when you have students that make your class less inviting? How has your behavior towards them changed (or has it not changed?) I would love for you to leave your thoughts.
Usually when this happens it is because I am seeing the same kid who walked out of my class yesterday...walk into my class "today."
ReplyDeleteIt is a lot of work to see a new kid each day--see new things, not the pesty things that drove you nuts the day before.
Then there is the classic are you thinking of the kid? or their behavior.
And then the one that gets me is I want the kid to change overnight...yea right.
The one thing that has helped me recently is a few years ago I went for physical therapy on my arm. My nerve was dead from shoulder to finger. I was frustrated that it was not getting "fixed" after a few appointments. Dr said how long did it take to get this way? Me=4 years. Dr=then don't expect change in 4 days. Expect 1 millimeter each day.
Apply that to kids who did not get the way they are overnight...only thing that gets me through it. Most conditions are not permanent.
by @PaulBogush
I had so many difficult students my first year teaching, including one entire class that was so horrible. I talked to every teacher in the building about what to do with this class, and it seemed like everything had already been tried and failed. More than one teacher told me to give up, it was hopeless, just try to get through the year. The only thing I could see that no one had tried before was liking them. For the very good reason that you really couldn't like them. But I decided to try it. Basically, I just pretended to like them. Whenever I had a day with them that wasn't so horrible, I'd whisper at the end of class, "And that's why you're my favorite class, but shhh, don't tell my other classes." As my mother says, they ate it up with a spoon. And I gained a new appreciation for my own acting abilities! But all that pretending on my part did lead to some kind of change. Maybe it was partly a change in me: I stopped wasting so much energy fixating on all the things I hated about them because I was trying to find something--anything!--to like (for one boy, the only thing I could find to like was that he kept his shoes very clean. So that's where we began.) But some of them kind of blossomed when they had an adult who showed good will towards them, kept a sense of humor, and tried to build a relationship rather than control, as you say. A few of them also let me into their worlds a little bit, and I was able to gain a lot more compassion for them and other students like them once I saw the kinds of things they were struggling with, both in and out of school. Much of their behavior actually wasn't about me or what I was doing as a teacher. It helped also to de-personalize it, though that's not always easy.
ReplyDeleteGreat comment, thanks for sharing. What a great way to start the change in your classroom and help keep your sanity :)
DeleteMy experience, similar to your own, is that if there's a whole class of students you're not looking forward to teaching it's probably your own fault. My third year of teaching I got to that point a few times in the year with my group of 4th graders. I definitely blame the environment that I had caused for the way that they were acting.
ReplyDeleteThe individual kid who you don't like is trickier. Because sometimes the problem still might be with you, but a lot of times you can do everything right and still end up feeling that way.
First thing I do when I dislike a student is to make sure I'm aware I feel that way. I need to be honest with myself. Second I need to do what I can to not show my feelings to that student or to others. Sometimes you fake liking them long enough it works.
But the students that truly provoke ire? Yeah faking it isn't going to work. If it's just my problem I as an adult have to deal with it. But more often than not, I dislike them because of the effect they're having on others. At that point I need to admit my failure with that student and protect the learning community. I need to make sure that the 1 student doesn't impair my ability to reach and connect with the rest of the class. I need to continue to uphold our learning norms, mainly respect, but also need to accept the conflict for the good of the whole. Despite how poorly it makes me feel.
Of course with particular students or groups you also have your colleagues, friends, and family for support. Commiserating with colleagues can be an especially effective way of helping me to regulate so when I have to deal with that student, I'm able to be the professional I want to be. I can, at times, find it more awkward to be the teacher who likes the student that everyone else hates...
Good stuff, Lane. I am going to share this with my pre-service teachers this fall. I wish I had been as able to communicate my thoughts as you did here.
DeleteI really appreciated your perspective on the show as I feel like you sensibly gave voice to what I was trying to say. I do think that we have a responsibility in the culture of our classrooms and we must look at ourselves and how our own behavior supports those challenging behaviors. DO we dislike a child or their disruptive behavior?
ReplyDeleteHere are my follow-up thoughts I recorded afterward and I will be blogging soon!
http://audioboo.fm/boos/1504483-liking-students
Thanks so much!
Thanks, Joan. I am looking forward to reading your post :)
DeleteThis clip is a bit dramatic but so is everything I do!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.tubechop.com/watch/1326519
PS I tailored beautiful prose in response to this and then went to publish and lost it all lol,BOOO! so this is the 2nd attempt (less attractive I'm sure, sorry)
My entire career for me has been about building relationships! I'd say one of my main goals in teaching has been that of collaboration. I find that to be more important than the "content" I teach. These students will hopefully get out into the workforce one day and have to at the VERY least tolerate others. First off, I don't have "classes"... I have "teams". Then I have to help facilitate to what it means to be on a "team". They understand immediately of my expectations in them and one is that they do NOT have to like their, partner/s, teammates, neighbors but they MUST RESPECT them. Great practice for them has been that if they are working with someone they do not particularly like (and they usually are) then that person should have NO IDEA about it. This is tough for us all especially when the initial urge after they speak is always eye-rolling or heavy sighing. I think it maybe ok for someone to know they aren't liked, but I also think students have trouble separating the dislike from the disrespect. We have to help the student realize that they can't control the actions of others. They can ONLY control how they react to it. In school, we have many opportunities to model this; with students and colleagues and I must say it takes PRACTICE! (I'm STILL practicing) Good news is every moment can be a new teaching moment as long as we recognize it. There are students in class that have much difficulty in building relationships with others including with teachers. I think we might have to take a breath, big step back, try to remove our emotions from the situation and help that "infringing" individual. I think we do at times mess up and damage a relationship.(its that human thing) It means so much more though when the students see us patching up the relationships and working towards breaking down those walls. We can set the tone for these young learners and it may be our responsibility to carry it out in life. "This...is...the BUSINESS...we have CHOSEN..." lol
Great comment Dan, I love how sm has allowed me to get insight into so many classrooms. I agree, these non-traditional ways of doing school have to be practiced. It seems like we often have to spend too much time changing the students' learned expectation at school.
DeleteThanks to an #edchat one night in my first year of teaching, @devenkblack helped me see that I have to keep reaching out to a student in some way regardless of any tangible progress. You can't hate the kid for being a kid, for being immature. You have to understand there are deeper issues at stake when I student is not engaged in your classroom. Some issues can be resolved, but some cannot. You cannot change the student. You can only change your teaching. One day they will be great and the next they will not be as great. Greatness is still greatness. Keep reaching, keep loving, and keep teaching and one day, after all is said and done, you will know that you did your best to teach that student.
ReplyDeleteI accidentally clicked the delete button instead of the reply button and had a bit of a....moment. You make a great point about how we can't solve all of the students' problems. I have been known to say. "I know you are mad, but you aren't mad at me so please don't take it out on me." They usually understand that simple concept. Thanks for the comment (I almost deleted :)
DeleteMy early career was in residential and wilderness therapeutic settings with court-adjudicated adolescents. In some of those settings I was quite successful in my work with kids.
ReplyDeleteIn one I was an utter failure. It was a home-style program for abused/neglected boys ages 7-17. My partner houseparent and I lived in the home as these seven boys' two "parents" for a week-on/week-off schedule. We were on full-time, 24/7, just like parents, for that week on. We were young and ill-prepared to provide these boys what they needed. We loved and cared for them, but it went south very fast and our cries for support from administration to help us establish the structure we were lacking fell on deaf ears. I grew to have nightmares, regularly had to take five minutes to cry in the bathroom while my partner "managed" the chaos so that I could return to the trench. Pardon the war metaphor, but that's what it developed into: a daily battle between their needs and our weak attempts to provide for them. After six months, perhaps five of them regressing to this point, I finally had to quit, for them and for me. A couple of them I even grew to despise, as terrible as that sounds. Looking back, I didn't despise those two; I simply didn't understand them, know their full stories, nor did I provide the authentic relationship they so desperately needed. Instead I tried in my ignorance to meet their behaviors with control, through both punishment and when it became unsafe through physical restraint. Enough about that.
At another program where I worked normal shifts I excelled as a residential youth adviser, as I was called. I became somewhat of an at-risk teen whisperer, supervisors always calling me on the radio to assist with crises, and over time the many restraints I'd have to take part in there progressed to more success with de-escalation and prevention of the need for hands-on techniques.
During those years, I learned a few key lessons that have carried me through my teaching career, continuing to work with the more behaviorally challenging students.
1. Relationships are everything: No matter my efforts to control behavior with a given point/level/reward/punishment system, it was the relationship I had with kids that helped them most. The rest from these systems was contrived compliance for temporary calm.
2. Listen, listen, listen: I discovered a pattern early on that wen I tried to share the ways in which I could relate to a student in crisis by telling them my relevant story, it fell on deaf ears and I usually lost them. When I sat and listened, inviting more of their story to come out, they tended more to calm down, to get past their anger to their sadness that so badly needed expression, and to respond to later attempts to support them through crises.
3. Always separate the behavior from the child both in your heart and mind and in your language to articulate with the child your (and his) concerns and expectations. Too often folks identify the child as the problem. This is wrong. It is their choices.
4. Get to know kids' stories (who they are, where they come from, what they fear, relish in, dream for, have experienced, etc.): stories are everything, and when we are challenged by the toughest of behaviors (even provided engging, relevant, student-centered instruction), I have found the more I know and understand the kids' story, the more compassion, empathy, patience, and thus tact I have in supporting them. Now only does knowing their story help to better understand and accept the roots of their behavior (while also separating the behavior from the child), it also helps with the immediate intervention. Often times fellow educators accuse me of excusing their behaviors with such an approach. It is not so. Their awful stories and backgrounds never excuse poor choices and behavioral habits, rather it simply helps us understand the roots and deal with the roots over time rather than simply manipulate immediate compliance with extrinsic motivators.
Always appreciate your authenticity, Will.
You should copy/paste this on to your blog and continue the conversation there. I suspect a lot of people read you that don't read me. :)
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